So much for a nap...

I came upstairs over almost 2 hours ago to nap and this has obviously not happened. Each and every time I sit down to just "check and update" my Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter...it is always a 90 minute or more process. Why is this? Do I really need to Facebook stalk my friends? Did I REALLY need to sign onto my blogspot for the first time in months and change the layout, etc? No, probably not.

But I did. ;)

I'm happy.
I have an amazing boyfriend that I just spent a a great 48 hours or so with! He makes me happy. He makes me say stuff that normally wouldn't come out my mouth without me rationalizing it first...he makes me act stupid and goofy a lot. He makes me vulnerable and emotional (as if we needed me to get anymore emotional) and 'crazy' sometimes too. And that's just the way I'm likin it.. ;)

I have a great room-mate too, which the thought of her leaving in less than 2 months is completely nauseating to me. I can't even fathom getting another room-mate because I know I won't like the new one as much...they won't love my dogs like she does...I won't hang out with her all the time like I do with Ellie...my friends and boyfriend won't like anyone like they like Ellie...no one will jam to my songs on their iPod while they are at work and come to all my shows like Ellie does. Makes me emo just thinking about it.

So I won't.

Instead, I will think of the amazing last few days of Toot's chicken, sangria, True Blood, sleeping in until noon, walking the dogs on Shelby Greenway, the excitement of house-hunting, seeing the new Harry Potter movie last night, and leaving early tomorrow morning for the lake house to spend a great 2 days with Ellie, Erika, my managers, and 5 dogs!

I thrive on insanity.

It's true.
I do.

I thrive on the chaos that has become my life here lately. It's "crunch month", which means, like 2 summers ago...I've been working hard on finishing a brand-new CD AND trying to pull everything together for this year's CMA Music Festival here in Nashville! Taking on both of these tasks has proved rather trying, but I'm doing it.

It really feels like it just snuck up on me, without warning! I've become such a procrasinator lately, it's ridiculous. The website/MySpace launch, getting the booth together, organizing these shows...we did it all so last-minute, I'm kind of beating my head against the wall with it all. However, hopefully the lesson is learned and I won't do this again. AND, it seems as though everything might actually just come together in the end. I'll be so forever grateful if it indeed does come off smoothly.

I'm launching my new 7 song EP, "Lovers & Liars" in less than 2 weeks. I held the finished project in my hand the other day, it was pretty cool. Don't think I'm as excited about the launch of this one as I was about "Lonely At The Bottom" though. Maybe b/c it's an EP and not a 16 song CD like the last one...maybe b/c we're doing so much of it digitally and I'm having a hard time not having put a lot of effort into the packaging, the insert, the lyrics/credits/Thank You's. Either way though, it's GREAT music...it's music that I stand by 2000% It was fun to write these songs, it was fun to go into the studio and hear them come to life, it's been fun playing them out at live shows for months now...I'm definitely beyond ready to get it in the hands of fans and have them enjoy what I've been living with for awhile now. So bring it! Get inside my head, go through a mini-timeline of my life in the last 2 years (no one could EVER say it was ever dull or drama-free).

Jen is in town and I'm super excited to be hanging out with her and the girls this weekend. We don't get to do "girls nights" much anymore these days. I still try to see my friends, but it seems like everybody's got their own thing going on. We're all "grown-ups" now...busy with other stuff, not dependant on our girlfriends anymore. It's still a somewhat difficult transition for me personally, b/c I LOVE my girls...however, some of them I feel like I have to jump through hoops of fire for just to grab a quick coffee. Oh well...I've got plenty going on anyway.

Nick and I are still going strong. I spent all last weekend with him and his parents while they were in town. We went out to eat several times, to the Nashville Zoo, to the Adventure Science Center, grilled out at the house, played frisbee golf, hung with my dogs...it was a great weekend. It really solidified a lot for me with him. The past is a VERY hard thing to get over but I'm still moving forward. I try not to go back or stay stagnate, even though things come up that would love nothing more than to push me back into that painful past. But I know things are getting better. We both knew this wouldn't be easy when we embarked on this road...again. But it really is night and day. I have no doubt that this person is not the person I knew before, he's better in every way. Knowing what I know about him now, I love him even more and have no doubt that he loves me. It's a glorious thing.

Now, if I could just balance a career that keeps moving onward and upward, a healthy and happy relationship with Nick, time with my girls, still be a good mom to my doggies, and take care of ME too (working out, church, relaxation time)...life would be perfect.

I think I'm getting there.
;)

Not at all possible.

It is not at all possible for me to try to recap the last 6 and 1/2 months for you, so I will refrain from trying. However, I will say that I am in a much better place than the last blog I posted back in September. I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I weeded out those people that were unnecessarily causing turmoil in my life. I've redefined my relationships and friendship with people and accept them for what they are. I've realized that just because you want something to work, doesn't mean the other person does. And when that happens, it's time to let it be and move on. I've changed A LOT...I've loosened my grip and become a lot less dependant on people that I thought I could never be without. I learned how to stop being loyal to those that really don't care. And it's good.

Ellie is a fabulous roommate and the thought of her going back to London in September brings me great sadness. The first 6 months have been amazing, a complete turn around from the situation I was in before. I look forward to another 6 months with my lil brit.

Nick and I are good. Really good, actually. I always hated it when I'd see girls talk like they could change a guy, when they'd make excuses for him. I always stood firm that no one should ever want someone, thinking they will be the one to change him. I went through Ryan. I went through Nick Part 1 & 2, and my reasoning turned out correct both times. But this...this seems to be the expection. The exception that I never saw coming. I think I always KNEW the potential in him. I'd see little glimpses here and there of how absolutely incredible he coul be and how happy he could make me. But then, just like that, they'd go away and I'd be left waiting for another tease. But this time, there is no tease. No one really seems to believe it, especially my family. But Ellie & my managers see the transformation. I certainly see the complete 180 each and every day. He's a different person and to be honest with you, sometimes it freaks me out. I'm used to the struggle...I'm not used to carefree, easy, pure and utter happiness, committment, constant reassurance. It's like another world.

I'm excited for 2009. I'm excited to release my new EP this summer. For CMA Fest. For the possibilities that lie with touring overseas and doing an album with Cracker Barrel. I'm excited to be happy and in love for the first time in God knows how long. To travel. To meet new people. To make this life everything I knew it could be.

The silence says it all...

I turn 23 in a mere six days. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my year as a 22 year old. Professionally, it's probably been one of the most successful years yet. I'm more productive, more accomplished, more respected, and feel closer and closer to what I want. Personally? It's been a shit year. And what started as the sky falling back in February gradually brought me to the shit storm I've been fighting here lately. I don't really know how I got here. But I guess that doesn't really matter. All that matters is where I end up.

And this is where I end up:
I'm not settling anymore. I'm not accepting being unhappy or feeling disrespected or unloved. I'm not making agreements with myself that "Oh, well with my luck it'll probably fall through". I'm not believing that just because someone treated you poorly that it was completely my fault. Or that because someone screwed me over, that must mean everyone will. I'm learning when to apologize and when to stand firm. I'm not ever going to doubt my expectations. I'm cutting people out of my life that could "take it or leave it" with our friendship. I'm not beating my head against the wall trying to figure out how I'm going to make a situation better. It takes two. I'm going to call my family more often. I'm going to call my friends just to say "Hey". I'm going to thank God not only when things are good, but when things are bad. I'm going to find it in my heart to believe that NOTHING I do is done on my own...there's always a greater purpose.

I'm going to give myself a minute to breathe and decide what to do with my latest email...

...

I finally did it.

Eh...I'm not Canadian.

Allyssa is gone. Jen was here for a mere 24-ish hours and then was gone again. It's a bit overwhelming, I'm not going to lie. I'm taking it a bit better than I thought I would. However, I'm also writing this after a night out drinking with my friends. Jen's visit gave me a false sense of security... It felt like she never left. We took a ridiculous amount of pictures in her short visit and it was lovely. And then, the next morning, she was gone. I talked to Allyssa today while waiting for Rob & Chelsee to show up to dinner. That also didn't feel like reality. I don't think it's hit me that she's in another city. A city that's like 9 hours away...

I went to Cadillac Ranch tonight with Chelsee. Lame-o. However, it depressed me that there were actually attractive boys...none of which I talked to or talked to me. This upsets me. I think one of the reasons I'm so down about my friends moving away and other friends moving on with boyfriends, etc. is b/c I'm so A-LONE. My options are just so un-appealing, it's not even funny. I've never been so tempted to email back a certain ex than tonight. However, I have remained strong...despite the vodka, rum, and Jaguer. Yup, not doing it. Even now, with the f-ing Heidi Newfield video of "Johnny and June" playing in the background...not doing it. Tonight. But I know it's inevitable that I will. But at least I can sleep with my pride intact tonight.

I wish it was numbing...

I drank quite a bit of wine tonight. Between Rachel's graduation party at the house, Allyssa's party at Mafioza's, and Andrew's birthday party at his house...it shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling right now. What I'm feeling right now is that I want to bawl my eyes out. I feel like history is repeating itself once again. Jen left and I didn't know what the hell I was going to do with myself. I found a way to get through it, even though the sting of her not moving back to Nashville as originally planned still hurts. And now the fact that my first REAL friend EVER here in Nashville is moving back to North Carolina is just hitting me right in the gut. Like, tears are forming in my eyes right now as I type this from Tim's dining room table. I cried at Mafioza's. I choked back tears as Jessica started to cry when she hugged Allyssa. I know that tomorrrow I will be a wreck. A complete wreck.

I hate growing up.

I hate change. I hate people moving on. I hate knowing that I'm being left behind here. I hate that everyone is moving away, or getting engaged, or moving into a new circle of friends, or moving in with their boyfriends. I hate it because I still feel the same. I still feel like I'm never getting married, that I'll never live anywhere but Nashville (which is totally fine with me), and that I'm destined to be lonely forever. Whether it's b/c friends are leaving or yet another boy disappoints.

I'm trying SO hard to be happy for all my friends that are entering a new part of their lives, but it's so fucking hard to fake this smile. B/c truth be told...even if it's the right thing for them to do, I don't want them to go.