This is never a good start...

I'm so sick and tired of having these dreams.
I'm sure we've all had them. Those dreams where something good, or not even necessarily good, just a different outcome than reality happen while you're sleeping....and you wake up thinking that maybe, just maybe it's true. But it's not.

I blame the Garth Brooks song for my dreams last night.
The line in "More Than A Memory" that goes "and you're findin things to do not to fall asleep because you know she'll be there in your dreams..."

So true.
I don't even know why I'm still dreaming about him. I don't know why every song is reminding me of him lately. I don't know why I'm dreaming that things turned out differently. That he apologized for completely betraying me and leaving me high and dry like no other human being ever has before. I don't know why I even WANT to think about him and why it still hurts as much as it does. To tell you the truth, I'm still in shock by the way things went down. When his name leaves my lips I immediately wish to retract it. When I think of Atlanta, it makes me furious. When I get onto 40E, I wish there was another route to go. I feel after months, I should be over this by now. And I think in a lot of ways I am. But those pictures sparked something in me a few weeks ago, and I'm not sure if I've fully recovered yet or not. And then when I have dreams like I did last night, it makes me even more infuriated over the situation. Over how I could let someone in so much and think what we had was so perfect, only to be slapped in the face, humilated, and done with.

I'm well aware of all the logistics, of how to let go (I think), of how to look at the "big picture", of how I should be thankful that I know all that I know now instead of 6 months or a year later...that I didn't get even more invested. But the truth of the matter is that I was invested. And I can't reverse that. Even though the person I became invested in didn't exist, it still doesn't erase the fact that it happened. And now I'm going through this whole dating process again with...uh, some people,and I can't help but compare it to how it was when "we" started dating too... It just sucks. B/c it's like, do I say, well it happened this way before and I want it to happen this way again...b/c I really thought I was playing it by the book before, that I was doing the right things. But then, look at the outcome. So obviously, wasn't exactly right.

I'm rambling.

I'm just frustrated this morning.
I'm tired of this waste of time, waste of life taking up more of my thoughts...invading my dreams...and affecting my mornings. I'm ready to be done.

Forever.