Happy Anniversary.

I'm sitting here, in an over-sized chair, the TV on mute, and Tim's dog lying at my feet. I'm sad b/c I'm not home. My dogs aren't here b/c I'm house/dog sitting for Tim and his dog, Griswald hates my girls. Which is rather unfortunate seeing as though I'm expected to stay here for the next 10 days. Luckily, Tim lives super close so I'll be able to balance everything. Hopefully. One day down...

Today is 6 months. Six months since I went through one of the most traumatic things that my heart has ever been through. How is it possible that it still hurts? How is it possible that I still think about it all constantly? It's like I'm embarrassed to even admit it. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, except maybe Jen every now and then on Facebook chat. And the only reason I discuss it with her is because I don't have to see her face or hear the tone in her voice... For some reason, I'm so certain that having this conversation with anyone would just make me feel ridiculous. Not b/c I don't have great friends, b/c I do...but b/c I say it back to myself and it sounds ridiculous to me. How am I still mourning a relationship 6 months later when the relationship only lasted 1/3 of that long. I can't explain it whatsoever. Maybe it's the lack of good guys I'm meeting. Maybe it's his apology a couple months ago that opened the flood gates even moreso. Maybe b/c regardless of all the pain & deceit, it still feels unfinished even though his actions would say otherwise. I pray about it all the time. Sometimes I genuinely mean it...other times, I'm waiting to see if God provokes something in me that will make me finally get through my thick skull...forgive and move on permanently. I want to message him. I've been so close a time or two. Tonight I started to again but I held off. I don't know what I'm holding off for...it's not like the desire to is going to go away anytime soon. Obviously. It's been this long already.

Jake has been in town for 5 days. Every time he comes to town, we will see eachother briefly. Whether it's a random night downtown with his friends, or a quick lunch, or a drunken phone call that leads to him coming over or vice versa. I'll get a MySpace comment from him and it'll make me smile...but that's about all. However, this trip, my dogs & I practically lived with him the entire time he was here. Maybe it was the unspoken tension at my house. Maybe it was the fact that I just needed to be around a non-douche bag for awhile. Maybe I just wanted to sleep in a bed with a cute boy. Either way, I had an incredible time. I had an incredible time with absolutely no expectations of anything. I know that he likes me a lot. I know that we're attracted to eachother. But I also know that I have no desire to be in a relationship with a boy who's only in town a few days a month. A boy who's living the "rockstar on the road" life. I can't even trust "normal" guys to be faithful, how the hell am I going to trust a musician? And it's just always kind of been a mutual understanding that I felt this way.

However, this morning at approximately 1am, on my six month anniversary of Vancouver, Jake told me he's in love with me. I just layed there...speechless. Seriously? I was in shock.

Me: Oh, wow. Really?
J: Yes, really. Are you actually surprised by this?
Me: Um, yeah, actually... a little.
J: Well, don't be. I mean it. I didn't say it with the expectation of hearing you say it back. No worries.
((awkward silence))
Me: Well, I'm completely flattered that you feel so strongly for me. It's sweet. Thanks.

The end.

AHHHHHH!
How does this happen to me?? Not to say that I don't have feelings for him or that I didn't have a great time with him, I did. But, bleh. It's like, he ruined it! I've been in several "non-relationships" where the boy falls for me and I'm still in the same place. And once someone takes that leap and jumps 100 steps ahead of you, well...it's pretty much doomed for failure from then on.

I need time to process all this.
I need a drink.
However, I'm down to one drinking night a week now. And...drinking at home alone makes me look like an alcoholic, so I'll refrain.

Goodnight.