I wish it was numbing...

I drank quite a bit of wine tonight. Between Rachel's graduation party at the house, Allyssa's party at Mafioza's, and Andrew's birthday party at his house...it shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling right now. What I'm feeling right now is that I want to bawl my eyes out. I feel like history is repeating itself once again. Jen left and I didn't know what the hell I was going to do with myself. I found a way to get through it, even though the sting of her not moving back to Nashville as originally planned still hurts. And now the fact that my first REAL friend EVER here in Nashville is moving back to North Carolina is just hitting me right in the gut. Like, tears are forming in my eyes right now as I type this from Tim's dining room table. I cried at Mafioza's. I choked back tears as Jessica started to cry when she hugged Allyssa. I know that tomorrrow I will be a wreck. A complete wreck.

I hate growing up.

I hate change. I hate people moving on. I hate knowing that I'm being left behind here. I hate that everyone is moving away, or getting engaged, or moving into a new circle of friends, or moving in with their boyfriends. I hate it because I still feel the same. I still feel like I'm never getting married, that I'll never live anywhere but Nashville (which is totally fine with me), and that I'm destined to be lonely forever. Whether it's b/c friends are leaving or yet another boy disappoints.

I'm trying SO hard to be happy for all my friends that are entering a new part of their lives, but it's so fucking hard to fake this smile. B/c truth be told...even if it's the right thing for them to do, I don't want them to go.