The Life. The Times. The Music, Drama, and Fires of R.Dub.

So much for a nap...

2009-07-18T16:54:00.002-05:00

I came upstairs over almost 2 hours ago to nap and this has obviously not happened. Each and every time I sit down to just "check and update" my Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter...it is always a 90 minute or more process. Why is this? Do I really need to Facebook stalk my friends? Did I REALLY need to sign onto my blogspot for the first time in months and change the layout, etc? No, probably not.

But I did. ;)

I'm happy.
I have an amazing boyfriend that I just spent a a great 48 hours or so with! He makes me happy. He makes me say stuff that normally wouldn't come out my mouth without me rationalizing it first...he makes me act stupid and goofy a lot. He makes me vulnerable and emotional (as if we needed me to get anymore emotional) and 'crazy' sometimes too. And that's just the way I'm likin it.. ;)

I have a great room-mate too, which the thought of her leaving in less than 2 months is completely nauseating to me. I can't even fathom getting another room-mate because I know I won't like the new one as much...they won't love my dogs like she does...I won't hang out with her all the time like I do with Ellie...my friends and boyfriend won't like anyone like they like Ellie...no one will jam to my songs on their iPod while they are at work and come to all my shows like Ellie does. Makes me emo just thinking about it.

So I won't.

Instead, I will think of the amazing last few days of Toot's chicken, sangria, True Blood, sleeping in until noon, walking the dogs on Shelby Greenway, the excitement of house-hunting, seeing the new Harry Potter movie last night, and leaving early tomorrow morning for the lake house to spend a great 2 days with Ellie, Erika, my managers, and 5 dogs!

I thrive on insanity.

2009-06-05T10:11:00.002-05:00

It's true.
I do.

I thrive on the chaos that has become my life here lately. It's "crunch month", which means, like 2 summers ago...I've been working hard on finishing a brand-new CD AND trying to pull everything together for this year's CMA Music Festival here in Nashville! Taking on both of these tasks has proved rather trying, but I'm doing it.

It really feels like it just snuck up on me, without warning! I've become such a procrasinator lately, it's ridiculous. The website/MySpace launch, getting the booth together, organizing these shows...we did it all so last-minute, I'm kind of beating my head against the wall with it all. However, hopefully the lesson is learned and I won't do this again. AND, it seems as though everything might actually just come together in the end. I'll be so forever grateful if it indeed does come off smoothly.

I'm launching my new 7 song EP, "Lovers & Liars" in less than 2 weeks. I held the finished project in my hand the other day, it was pretty cool. Don't think I'm as excited about the launch of this one as I was about "Lonely At The Bottom" though. Maybe b/c it's an EP and not a 16 song CD like the last one...maybe b/c we're doing so much of it digitally and I'm having a hard time not having put a lot of effort into the packaging, the insert, the lyrics/credits/Thank You's. Either way though, it's GREAT music...it's music that I stand by 2000% It was fun to write these songs, it was fun to go into the studio and hear them come to life, it's been fun playing them out at live shows for months now...I'm definitely beyond ready to get it in the hands of fans and have them enjoy what I've been living with for awhile now. So bring it! Get inside my head, go through a mini-timeline of my life in the last 2 years (no one could EVER say it was ever dull or drama-free).

Jen is in town and I'm super excited to be hanging out with her and the girls this weekend. We don't get to do "girls nights" much anymore these days. I still try to see my friends, but it seems like everybody's got their own thing going on. We're all "grown-ups" now...busy with other stuff, not dependant on our girlfriends anymore. It's still a somewhat difficult transition for me personally, b/c I LOVE my girls...however, some of them I feel like I have to jump through hoops of fire for just to grab a quick coffee. Oh well...I've got plenty going on anyway.

Nick and I are still going strong. I spent all last weekend with him and his parents while they were in town. We went out to eat several times, to the Nashville Zoo, to the Adventure Science Center, grilled out at the house, played frisbee golf, hung with my dogs...it was a great weekend. It really solidified a lot for me with him. The past is a VERY hard thing to get over but I'm still moving forward. I try not to go back or stay stagnate, even though things come up that would love nothing more than to push me back into that painful past. But I know things are getting better. We both knew this wouldn't be easy when we embarked on this road...again. But it really is night and day. I have no doubt that this person is not the person I knew before, he's better in every way. Knowing what I know about him now, I love him even more and have no doubt that he loves me. It's a glorious thing.

Now, if I could just balance a career that keeps moving onward and upward, a healthy and happy relationship with Nick, time with my girls, still be a good mom to my doggies, and take care of ME too (working out, church, relaxation time)...life would be perfect.

I think I'm getting there.
;)

Not at all possible.

2009-04-02T22:32:00.002-05:00

It is not at all possible for me to try to recap the last 6 and 1/2 months for you, so I will refrain from trying. However, I will say that I am in a much better place than the last blog I posted back in September. I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I weeded out those people that were unnecessarily causing turmoil in my life. I've redefined my relationships and friendship with people and accept them for what they are. I've realized that just because you want something to work, doesn't mean the other person does. And when that happens, it's time to let it be and move on. I've changed A LOT...I've loosened my grip and become a lot less dependant on people that I thought I could never be without. I learned how to stop being loyal to those that really don't care. And it's good.

Ellie is a fabulous roommate and the thought of her going back to London in September brings me great sadness. The first 6 months have been amazing, a complete turn around from the situation I was in before. I look forward to another 6 months with my lil brit.

Nick and I are good. Really good, actually. I always hated it when I'd see girls talk like they could change a guy, when they'd make excuses for him. I always stood firm that no one should ever want someone, thinking they will be the one to change him. I went through Ryan. I went through Nick Part 1 & 2, and my reasoning turned out correct both times. But this...this seems to be the expection. The exception that I never saw coming. I think I always KNEW the potential in him. I'd see little glimpses here and there of how absolutely incredible he coul be and how happy he could make me. But then, just like that, they'd go away and I'd be left waiting for another tease. But this time, there is no tease. No one really seems to believe it, especially my family. But Ellie & my managers see the transformation. I certainly see the complete 180 each and every day. He's a different person and to be honest with you, sometimes it freaks me out. I'm used to the struggle...I'm not used to carefree, easy, pure and utter happiness, committment, constant reassurance. It's like another world.

I'm excited for 2009. I'm excited to release my new EP this summer. For CMA Fest. For the possibilities that lie with touring overseas and doing an album with Cracker Barrel. I'm excited to be happy and in love for the first time in God knows how long. To travel. To meet new people. To make this life everything I knew it could be.

The silence says it all...

2008-09-16T21:32:00.003-05:00

I turn 23 in a mere six days. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my year as a 22 year old. Professionally, it's probably been one of the most successful years yet. I'm more productive, more accomplished, more respected, and feel closer and closer to what I want. Personally? It's been a shit year. And what started as the sky falling back in February gradually brought me to the shit storm I've been fighting here lately. I don't really know how I got here. But I guess that doesn't really matter. All that matters is where I end up.

And this is where I end up:
I'm not settling anymore. I'm not accepting being unhappy or feeling disrespected or unloved. I'm not making agreements with myself that "Oh, well with my luck it'll probably fall through". I'm not believing that just because someone treated you poorly that it was completely my fault. Or that because someone screwed me over, that must mean everyone will. I'm learning when to apologize and when to stand firm. I'm not ever going to doubt my expectations. I'm cutting people out of my life that could "take it or leave it" with our friendship. I'm not beating my head against the wall trying to figure out how I'm going to make a situation better. It takes two. I'm going to call my family more often. I'm going to call my friends just to say "Hey". I'm going to thank God not only when things are good, but when things are bad. I'm going to find it in my heart to believe that NOTHING I do is done on my own...there's always a greater purpose.

I'm going to give myself a minute to breathe and decide what to do with my latest email...

...

2008-09-03T03:11:00.000-05:00

I finally did it.

Eh...I'm not Canadian.

2008-08-16T02:08:00.002-05:00

Allyssa is gone. Jen was here for a mere 24-ish hours and then was gone again. It's a bit overwhelming, I'm not going to lie. I'm taking it a bit better than I thought I would. However, I'm also writing this after a night out drinking with my friends. Jen's visit gave me a false sense of security... It felt like she never left. We took a ridiculous amount of pictures in her short visit and it was lovely. And then, the next morning, she was gone. I talked to Allyssa today while waiting for Rob & Chelsee to show up to dinner. That also didn't feel like reality. I don't think it's hit me that she's in another city. A city that's like 9 hours away...

I went to Cadillac Ranch tonight with Chelsee. Lame-o. However, it depressed me that there were actually attractive boys...none of which I talked to or talked to me. This upsets me. I think one of the reasons I'm so down about my friends moving away and other friends moving on with boyfriends, etc. is b/c I'm so A-LONE. My options are just so un-appealing, it's not even funny. I've never been so tempted to email back a certain ex than tonight. However, I have remained strong...despite the vodka, rum, and Jaguer. Yup, not doing it. Even now, with the f-ing Heidi Newfield video of "Johnny and June" playing in the background...not doing it. Tonight. But I know it's inevitable that I will. But at least I can sleep with my pride intact tonight.

I wish it was numbing...

2008-08-09T01:08:00.002-05:00

I drank quite a bit of wine tonight. Between Rachel's graduation party at the house, Allyssa's party at Mafioza's, and Andrew's birthday party at his house...it shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling right now. What I'm feeling right now is that I want to bawl my eyes out. I feel like history is repeating itself once again. Jen left and I didn't know what the hell I was going to do with myself. I found a way to get through it, even though the sting of her not moving back to Nashville as originally planned still hurts. And now the fact that my first REAL friend EVER here in Nashville is moving back to North Carolina is just hitting me right in the gut. Like, tears are forming in my eyes right now as I type this from Tim's dining room table. I cried at Mafioza's. I choked back tears as Jessica started to cry when she hugged Allyssa. I know that tomorrrow I will be a wreck. A complete wreck.

I hate growing up.

I hate change. I hate people moving on. I hate knowing that I'm being left behind here. I hate that everyone is moving away, or getting engaged, or moving into a new circle of friends, or moving in with their boyfriends. I hate it because I still feel the same. I still feel like I'm never getting married, that I'll never live anywhere but Nashville (which is totally fine with me), and that I'm destined to be lonely forever. Whether it's b/c friends are leaving or yet another boy disappoints.

I'm trying SO hard to be happy for all my friends that are entering a new part of their lives, but it's so fucking hard to fake this smile. B/c truth be told...even if it's the right thing for them to do, I don't want them to go.

Happy Anniversary.

2008-08-04T23:27:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here, in an over-sized chair, the TV on mute, and Tim's dog lying at my feet. I'm sad b/c I'm not home. My dogs aren't here b/c I'm house/dog sitting for Tim and his dog, Griswald hates my girls. Which is rather unfortunate seeing as though I'm expected to stay here for the next 10 days. Luckily, Tim lives super close so I'll be able to balance everything. Hopefully. One day down...

Today is 6 months. Six months since I went through one of the most traumatic things that my heart has ever been through. How is it possible that it still hurts? How is it possible that I still think about it all constantly? It's like I'm embarrassed to even admit it. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, except maybe Jen every now and then on Facebook chat. And the only reason I discuss it with her is because I don't have to see her face or hear the tone in her voice... For some reason, I'm so certain that having this conversation with anyone would just make me feel ridiculous. Not b/c I don't have great friends, b/c I do...but b/c I say it back to myself and it sounds ridiculous to me. How am I still mourning a relationship 6 months later when the relationship only lasted 1/3 of that long. I can't explain it whatsoever. Maybe it's the lack of good guys I'm meeting. Maybe it's his apology a couple months ago that opened the flood gates even moreso. Maybe b/c regardless of all the pain & deceit, it still feels unfinished even though his actions would say otherwise. I pray about it all the time. Sometimes I genuinely mean it...other times, I'm waiting to see if God provokes something in me that will make me finally get through my thick skull...forgive and move on permanently. I want to message him. I've been so close a time or two. Tonight I started to again but I held off. I don't know what I'm holding off for...it's not like the desire to is going to go away anytime soon. Obviously. It's been this long already.

Jake has been in town for 5 days. Every time he comes to town, we will see eachother briefly. Whether it's a random night downtown with his friends, or a quick lunch, or a drunken phone call that leads to him coming over or vice versa. I'll get a MySpace comment from him and it'll make me smile...but that's about all. However, this trip, my dogs & I practically lived with him the entire time he was here. Maybe it was the unspoken tension at my house. Maybe it was the fact that I just needed to be around a non-douche bag for awhile. Maybe I just wanted to sleep in a bed with a cute boy. Either way, I had an incredible time. I had an incredible time with absolutely no expectations of anything. I know that he likes me a lot. I know that we're attracted to eachother. But I also know that I have no desire to be in a relationship with a boy who's only in town a few days a month. A boy who's living the "rockstar on the road" life. I can't even trust "normal" guys to be faithful, how the hell am I going to trust a musician? And it's just always kind of been a mutual understanding that I felt this way.

However, this morning at approximately 1am, on my six month anniversary of Vancouver, Jake told me he's in love with me. I just layed there...speechless. Seriously? I was in shock.

Me: Oh, wow. Really?
J: Yes, really. Are you actually surprised by this?
Me: Um, yeah, actually... a little.
J: Well, don't be. I mean it. I didn't say it with the expectation of hearing you say it back. No worries.
((awkward silence))
Me: Well, I'm completely flattered that you feel so strongly for me. It's sweet. Thanks.

The end.

AHHHHHH!
How does this happen to me?? Not to say that I don't have feelings for him or that I didn't have a great time with him, I did. But, bleh. It's like, he ruined it! I've been in several "non-relationships" where the boy falls for me and I'm still in the same place. And once someone takes that leap and jumps 100 steps ahead of you, well...it's pretty much doomed for failure from then on.

I need time to process all this.
I need a drink.
However, I'm down to one drinking night a week now. And...drinking at home alone makes me look like an alcoholic, so I'll refrain.

Goodnight.

fake it til you make it.

2008-07-25T11:27:00.004-05:00

God is so good. This week has been helpless feeling for me. Flat-lined is the term I've been using. With music, with relationships, with my roommate, and especially...with money. I now know what my Dad was talking about. Staring at a mountainous stack of bills...all more than a week overdue, and with zero money to pay any of them. And the bills don't care, they just keep coming. With no demos sung since early June before CMA Fest and no demos on the horizon, I felt horrible. I had no options. I went to bed with a heavy heart and burdened mine and woke up each morning feeling the same...helpless.

I've been praying. Praying a lot. Because there was nothing else I could do. Obviously doing things MY way wasn't helping. So maybe, just maybe I could give up control for a moment and let someone else share the burden.

Prayers are answered. My roommate and I made up. I've come to peace with a lot of stuff with several people in my life. I received a check in the mail yesterday that was so unexpected from my car accident back in February from Vanderbilt. I just put a handful on envelopes into the mail. All the bills are paid.

God is good. I'm so undeserving and so thankful with every ounce of my being right now.

180.

2008-07-11T01:12:00.002-05:00

Here I am, telling the world how happy and blessed I am in my last entry. I had an INCREDIBLE show on Monday night at 12th & Porter that was completely packed out with industry people and friends hootin and hollerin for me. I walked off that stage feeling invincible. I don't feel that way so much today...

I hate that someone else's success can make me question my own or question the path that I'm on. I've never once doubted my talent, that I belong in Nashville, that have incredible people surrounding me and working for me b/c they believe in me whole-heartedly. I believe in my songs, in my gift, in my show, in my abilities. So how is it that something can happen to someone else and suddenly, I'm discouraged...? Is there only room for ONE of us in this industry or something? Ugh, I need to snap out of this bullshit mood.

I'm sitting here on vacation and not able to enjoy it 100% because I'm worried about things back in Nashville. I'm worried about when this is going to happen for me and when I get my shot, is it going to be enough? Is the label going to believe in me enough to give me that fair shot to prove myself? Not a Sarah Buxton or Sarah Johns or Emily West kind of shot...I mean, a Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood kind of shot. Why is it that I feel like if I'm not on TV then I'm never going to get as good a chance as all those who are and are getting the attention, resulting in the record deals...? I just feel like I've come so far, worked my ass off, grew into the artist I am today that I'm extremely proud of...people in this town know me, I play all over town, I write with everybody and anybody...I've got the stage show down. I lost the weight, got a tan, dyed the hair...BECAME Rachel Williams the artist. Four years I've worked. And here, 2 minutes on TV is getting someone attention that I'm dreaming of. It sucks. It doesn't feel fair. But it's out of my control.

Why can't I just say "To each his own" and let it go..? TV was never where I saw myself anyway. It wasn't the kind of career I envisioned. It has worked wonders for some, but I never saw that as my path. I'm just so frustrated with the industry in general. It's not even this one instance...it's all of it. It's the people they are giving deals to overall. It's the shitty songs I keep hearing on the radio. It's all the generic blondes that are dominating CMT. I'm just so ready for people to wake up and see what's been in front of them all this time...what's been in front of them and what's not going away. Ever.

Okay...
That was my rant.
Slap me, tell me to shut up and get a grip, and then maybe I will.
;)

Blessed, Blessed, Blessed

2008-07-06T22:28:00.002-05:00

I'm extremely blessed.

It's funny how I TRULY don't grasp that concept enough. I need to tell myself that at least several times each and every day. However, I don't. I dwell on all the things that I really cannot control...such as, my current drought of good males surrounding me or the fact that I'd like to take a magic wand and make several events of 2008 disappear. Forever.

I played a sold out show at The Bluebird Cafe last night. It was really quite mind boggling how many people were there, even 30 minutes before the show started. There were people standing in line outside, standing by the door, being turned away. It was insane. Beautifully insane. The show was fabulous. It was so awesome to get to see Craig in that light. A sober, musical light. He's so awesome. *sighs* If only...

Craig then invited me along to run over to LP Field to see Kenny Chesney with him after our show. Which, of course, I accepted. However, I thought I'd be seeing some of the other acts as well...Gary Allan, LeAnn Rimes, Keith Urban. Alas, this did not happen. Only Kenny. You can imagine my grave disappointment.

We made the best of it though. And afterwards me, Craig, and Chelsee hung out at Loser's...which is always delightful. Especially when I run into my friend Emily and her uber cute friend, Shane. Oh yes. She needs to be making a love connection between the two of us immediately.

After Loser's, I drove out to White Bridge to meet up with Chelsee and Rob over at Rory's at 3:30am. But first, stopped at Jack In The Box for Chelsee....where the guy at the drive-thru proceeded to get his coworker buddy to come out of hiding from around the corner to tell me how beautiful I was. And then everyone else working there followed him, came around the corner, checked me out and said "Yup. She's hot." So, the moral of that story? If I ever wanna find a date, I should hit up fast food places. Haha. After appreciating the ego boost, I continued on to Chelsee's. We all sat out on Rory's deck and talked about life for awhile...then Chelsee and Rob went to bed. Rory and I stayed out there til the sun came up, about 5:45am. (Mind you, I'm completely sober and miraculously still awake). I then drive home, get home a little after 6, take a Benadryl and sleep until 1pm. Lovely.

I then got up, worked out, showered, and headed off to my radio interview here in Nashville. It was lovely. It was at the big WSIX building. Super professonial. Big AM station. It was awesome! They talked to me, joked around with me, dug up some pretty embarrassing dirt on my past, and let me sing 4 songs. People emailed questions in and I answered.

I left feeling happy. And I'm happy now. At 22 years old, I'm getting to do what I love to do each and every day. And though it may not be on the scale that I want it to be yet and I may not be making money at it (yet)...I know I will. And I know that I'm so fortunate to be in the place I'm at, surrounded with the people that I am, living in the house that I am, having the love and support of the family, friends, and dogs that I have.

I'm blessed. I'm blessed. I'm blessed.

hate me.

2008-07-01T16:35:00.002-05:00

I don't understand why my last blog hates me. I've done everything to make the last half show up and it's not. So, uh, just highlight that huge blank spot and you can read the review that way. Haha.

Speaking of hate...my body hates me. I got healthy enough to make it through my two shows and studio day last week. But the day after I get back from Atlanta, Nashville allergies kick my ass. I have seriously been unable to breathe or sleep without HEAVY (and I mean heavy) medication. Though thankfully, today I feel almost normal.

However, I've been vegging out here. And I had plans with both Chelsea AND Utley today. However, I haven't made it off the couch. Still. Oh, I always have the best of intentions.

I'm reading the book, "Choosing Forgiveness". Again. Yes, folks...I've read this book before. When I was trying to get over the whole "Ryan cheated on me and lied to me about hood-rat for 4 months" thing. The book actually helped somewhat. So now that I'm dealing with Nick's apology and his BFFs sudden desire to hang out with me again...I feel as though this book needs to make another appearance in my life. Pronto.

I had a lovely "non-date" the other night. I can already tell that it's not going to really go anywhere, but even still, it's nice to be reminded that there ARE nice guys out there that are all about me ;)

Today is Canada Day. I hate Canada. I already had my reasons before. But now? Jen has informed me today that she loves Canada and it's boys more than she loves here gf here in stupid Nashville, Tennessee. Obviously, I don't fulfill her every need hundreds of miles away and so she's forgotten how good we used to be... *insert tear*

But yes, I'm going to Cafe Coco today to celebrate f-ing Canada Day either way.

The release.

2008-06-27T16:39:00.008-05:00

I had a wayy too brief but wonderful trip to Atlanta yesterday. Loaded up the Tahoe will all our guitars, amps, and overnight bags, and me, Kim & Susan, and my guitar player Andrew all buckled up for a 4.5 hour drive to Decatur, GA. I swear, it felt like it was taking FOREVER. It's like, knowing you're going to Disney World or something and your parents have to stop and get gas, and then to the store to buy snacks, and then you get lost, and blah blah blah. Haha. But we finally did arrive to Eddie's Attic just in time for soundcheck. Cute little venue. Basically just The Bluebird of Atlanta. Seeing Erika almost made me cry. I don't see her NEAR as much as I should and that blows. We're so alike it's creepy, and I knew that a visit with her was just what I needed to get my head straight. So we had a LOVELY show. A very appreciative, humorous, and easily entertained crowd. All my songs went over well, with the exception of 'What If I'm Gone', which I played guitar on as well and my guitar player didn't really steer the ship all too well on that one for me. I mean, hello? I'm obviously NOT a fabulous guitar player. Yet. I did "Lean", which I don't ever do. Ever. But it was a request from Rena, whom I've known forever online but only met a few times. This song means the world to her and got her through a VERY hard time, so there was definitely pressure. That, mixed with alcohol, mixed with the fact that I never sing it...I was TOTALLY impressed that I hit all the notes and remembered all the words. Also did my new song "Livin Up To Your Lies" which was probably the crowd favorite. Oh, it's so good to know that my anger issues have a pay-off at some point. Also did "The Only Thing Harder Than Leaving", which I haven't done in forever and that went over really well too.
Speaking of that song...

This is what we got today in our email from this week's Music Row. A review from Bob Oerman.

RACHEL WILLIAMS/The Only Thing Harder Than Leaving
Writer: R. Williams/K. Copeland/E. Corley; Producer: K. Copeland & R. Williams; Publisher: Sage House/Corleysongs, ASCAP; HER (615-429-5032)
—She has the goods. This creeps up on you with cat’s paws. The languid pace, echoing instruments, spacious production and her hushed, aching delivery are all immensely seductive. The lyric of leaving home is full of terrific details. And her falsetto leaps in the bridge are like little daggers to the heart. A mini masterpiece. This, by the way, is the third single in a row that I have raved about from this performer. So program her, already.

Perspective.
I'm so incredibly lucky to do what I do and have people dig it. Seriously.

In other words,
I'm seriously considering going sober for awhile. Last night, Erika and I drank SO much and don't get me wrong, it was totally fun. I mean, we totally stayed out of trouble, didn't drive. It was low key, just chillin and talking out on the patio, drinking. But then, when you wake up and you feel like shit, your head's going to explode...you then remember all the shit you drank and the junk food you ate while buzzed...it kinda makes you feel like crap. And I feel like every few days I'm like "Holy crap, I'm NEVER doing that again" or "I need to stop going out". Uhh...maybe I should listen to myself every now and then.

That, and I've been told that I'm "running my body to hell". Which, I suppose means that not only am I super busy, do I work out all the time, do bootcamp, sing my ass off, but I also PARTY? This person was in disbelief. And since I've been getting ill so often lately, I figure that staying out all night and partying probably isn't helping my body. At all.

So I'm going to try. Probably not going to be able to go COMPLETELY sober, but if I can resolve to going out once every 7 to 10 days...I think that's progress.

I need a nap.

Lean

2008-06-15T13:14:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here in Kingston Springs with a house full of dogs. I'm watching them and the house for a couple days. It'd be heaven...cable, internet, naps...if it weren't for the fact that I am SO sick and nauseated that I can't focus on anything but that.

I should know better than to drink as much as I have two nights in a row. It is my own stupidity. However, both nights were lovely. Yes, lovely. Friday night I saw Patty Griffin, Kris Kristofferson, and Randy Owen in the round with Chelsee & Rob. It was awesome! To see that much talent, that close up and intimate was super cool. Then Chelsee and I decided that we weren't brave enough to go to the packed lesbian bar, even if Bekka Bramlett WAS playing. So we opted to eat sushi and drink martinis in East Nashville instead. Then I get a call from G-off and Craig telling us to meet them at Loser's. Oh, Loser's. I spent many a drunken night there trying to heal my broken heart months ago. Haha. I still love the place. However, I was reminded why I haven't gone out with these boys to Loser's in quite awhile. They party like no one I have ever known. It is quite impossible to keep up with them.

Last night I had some people come over. I drank too much with Allyssa before everyone even go here. Then I proceeded to mix liquors, sit on the deck, and participate in a little music jam session. I loved it. Except when I woke up at 6AM this morning on the recliner, with HBO still blaring loud, Allyssa asleep on the couch, and 5 dogs scattered throughout the room. I could barely make it up the stairs. I then woke up at almost 9, completely sick and tired but was forced to come downstairs to give Poodle her insulin shot. So, I've been sitting in this recliner for over 5 hours now. Yup, over 5 episodes of Sex & the City, the ending of Drumline, and half of a Lifetime movie later, I'm still here. Too sick to move.

I'm sad because it's Father's Day today. And my family is all at the Strawberry Festival in my hometown. My little sister is going to be singing "Bubbly" for Strawberry Idol within the hour. I wish I was there. It wouldn't be as hot. I could see her sing. I could remember the good ol days. I could run into a bizillion people I know. I could eat a corn dog with my Dad and then nap on the couch with my Mom. *sighs*

I posted "Lean" on my MySpace b/c it reminds me of my dad... Enjoy.

And P.S. No, I have not responded to the email.

Vancouver.

2008-06-09T18:35:00.002-05:00

Today has been such an emotional day. I think it's mostly b/c I'm exhausted beyond all comprehension. Like, seriously, I don't think I've ever been this tired...it's like, tired to the point of tears all day long. And for some reason, we thought it'd be smart to book me to sing demos and co-write all week long after the craziness of CMA Fest. Such a great idea....

CMA Fest was INCREDIBLE! I'll be posting pictures soon and blogging all about it soon after. So look for it on my MySpaces & Facebook. It seriously was one of the best weekends of my entire 22 years on this planet. A huge success!

But back to Vancouver...
I woke up this morning in Kingston Springs, and for the first time in 4 days, sat down in front of an actual computer. I then proceeded to check my Facebook & MySpace accounts. I was going through messages on my music MySpace, reading comments from people I'd met at CMA Fest and so on. I get to the last message and it's from Nick, with the headline "Just so you know". I didn't think about it at first and was about to open it when suddenly, this wave of nausea hit me. And my shaking hands led me to realize that this was NOT a Fan Fair fan.

This was Vancouver.

It was short, two sentences....that basically just apologized for what he put me through, b/c he knows I didn't deserve it. I was in shock. I'm still in shock. I don't even know how to react. I've told several people about it, and they all have their own response to it...but still...Wow.

I've waited 4 months for this apology, and after 4 months, you just accept that it's never going to come. I can't lie, I did wait for it at first. I hoped that he'd show up at my house, that a letter would come in the mail, that I'd receive a phone call/text message/email...SOMETHING that showed me I was acknowledged, even in the slightest bit. But after it never came, it just depressed me more. It made me feel insignificant. Like, how could someone find what their own actions so irrelevant when they were so earth-shattering for me??

He made a choice 4 months ago, and I didn't get a say in this decision...he made it for both of us. I never got to say what I wanted to say because it was over. End of story. But now, now he's brought it back. Now he's set it up for me to say something and I can't even find the words. We've all been through it...we always think, if I ever see so-and-so out, I'm gonna walk right up to them and give them a piece of my mind. But then the opportunity presents itself and we never do. I don't know...

I feel every emotion there is. I'd like to sit here and just shrug my shoulder, click "Delete", and act unaffected. But I'm affected. I kind of feel this weight in my chest, and I've been carrying it all day. His email has reminded me of everything that I try so hard to forget 99% of time. I don't want to think about him, how happy I was, what a douche bag he turned out to be, how devastated I was to experience all he put me through...

I'm trying not to read anything into it. And I'm sure there's nothing to it. But the emotional, 22 year old female in me wants to know...
I'm giving myself a few days to process this before I make ANY kind of decision on whether or not to respond. All suggestions welcomed.

taking back control.

2008-05-28T23:29:00.003-05:00

Today has been a day of hysteria.

Right from the get-go, it started off bad for me.

I was out late last night due to my show at Hollywood Disco (a la Elevation/Code Blue), then hanging out with Kelly, his new girfriend (whom I'm pretty much obsessed with), and Joel. So when I went to bed last night, I dressed in my work out clothes (sports bra and all) and went to bed, knowing I'd have to be up in 4 hours. In all of my preparation, it appears that I didn't click my alarm over to "On". So I woke up at 6:30am, cursing myself and my day that was now "RUINED!" I couldn't get back to sleep so I ventured downstairs, only to find a note on the table from my roommate. And though the note was as non-bitchy as they come, it rubbed me the wrong way. Entirely. Some of you may know the reason why this would be the case. So I then venture off to the gym with a chip on my shoulder already, so early in the day, and decide to "kill myself" with my own form of bootcamp.

Met my friend Ashlee for lunch at Jacksons, which was quite lovely. Good conversation, good food. All and all, pretty swell. Then meet up with Kim and Susan at Sunset Grille right after, eat Kim's dessert, schmooze with some producer guy they were meeting with, then mosey on over to the office to write with Karleen. We don't get much writing accomplished before Speev and Kim interrupt us to come up and hang out with me and "Weenie" in my office. So I'm a bit frustrated with the fact that this girl and I are NEVER going to be able to finish another song ever again!

My gas bill was due a week ago. I told Susan that I didn't think I had the money for it. So she told me to check my bank statement to see how much was in there. You see, like most other smart people, I don't check my bank balance often. At all. I'd rather not know, stay oblivious, then be blind-sided with my negative balance. Like I was this evening. I teared up a bit...

Then we're off to Corner Pub for our ritual Wednesday evening industry gathering, but not before I re-straighten my hair in the office bathroom, hoping to see my cute boys. Then proceeded to put the straightener back in my bag (while hot), where I then dropped my bag and picked up my straightener...only to burn the hell out of my hand. Awesome And wouldn't you know it, but when we finally arrive (after icing my hand for 15 minutes) my boys are not even there, so I am immediately disappointed and wanting to leave. During this "hang", I am told by my managers that our good friend Sue (she's also my graphic designer/webmaster) has been diagonosed with Lupus. I freak out. They assure me that it's the type that is managable, that Sue is optimistic and grateful that she's FINALLY been diagnosed with something after she's been sick for so long. So crazy. So after I've recovered from this news and we are leaving Corner Pub, I decide to run across the street to Great Escape to see if they have more copies of the first 3 seasons of Sex & the City, which my roommate's dog ate a few months ago. No such luck. So I'm depressed b/c I'll probably never find them used and cheap again, due to the movie phenom that's taken over America.

We finally get back to the office, only to discover that I've locked my keys in my car. So my managers drive me home, I crawl through the dog door, get stuck, then unlock the door to let us all inside. What do we find? Pete has eaten my couch beyond all comprehension. The living room looks like a tornado ran through it. I'm just frozen. Kim and Susan come in and are in shock with me. They then proceed to tell me how I need to address this issue and stop backing down from having the inevitable conversation with my roommate, you know, the conversation that's been lingering in my thoughts 24/7 since....uh, awhile.

I just start crying. Uncontrollably. I didn't even know what to do, words were coming out but not making the slightest bit of sense. Normally, I'd clean it up like I always do but I was just frozen. I could not bring myself to clean up this mess, physically or emotionally. I finally reached it...the breaking point.

I grabbed my spare keys, left Pete and the mess at home, loaded my dogs in the car with us, and headed back to the office and got my car. The whole drive home I can't stop crying. I know I have to talk to her and I don't know what I'm going to say or how it's going to come out or how she's going to react. What if we hate eachother and someone moves out? I was terrified. So terrified in fact, that I went upstairs with the dogs and waited for her to come home and find the mess. Which, she did. I gave her 10 minutes alone down there, hoping she cleaned it up. Then I went downstairs, sat at the dining room table, and started the talk that I'd been dreading all day...the only that's been building up for too long.

It went much better than expected. She's an incredible person, a wonderful and loyal friend to me, and over-all, very understanding. It's so hard to live with a best friend. The line between "roommate" and "friend" gets so blurred so often. But I've been rational and logical about the situation and I know the difference. Just because we aren't very compatible roommates doesn't mean we aren't best friends. I started the conversation with my hands shaking, looking all over the room...everywhere but her. But by the end of our hour talk, I was much more calm. Much more relieved. I felt like I said pretty much everything, in a very calm and mature manner. It was not a fight. There was nothing to fight about, really. This was the situation and how I feel about it. We understood eachother, I think. I hope things improve from here.

The reason I even wrote all this out for you is not to be like "Damn, Rachel...your day REALLY sucked" or to make my house living situation sound bad. It's because for the first time in a long time, I took control. I did something that I was SO terrified to do for so long and this fear was completely self-imposed. I've been so worried about the friendship and fearing the worst. But you know what's worse? Swallowing it. It's only been bad b/c I won't address things. Someone can't change things unless they know it needs changing. So how can I get so bent out of shape over every little thing when this other person has no clue that it makes me upset?

Standing in the destroyed living room this evening, frozen with my frustration, I realized something... I'm standing in the middle of a mess that I helped create. I helped create it because I never took control. I never took responsibility for MY needs by letting someone else know that they weren't making me feel appreciated. I never took the CORRECT action to save a friendship that I thought I was working so hard to protect by "sweeping things under the rug". So in trying to avoid conflict with another person, I just made a bigger conflict/battle with myself. I won't do that again. Ever.

The words, "I hate my life" came out of my mouth more than once today. Which is ridiculous b/c I don't. On the contrary, my life is incredible...better than most. Sure, it can be very disappointing at times, but overall, I'm pretty fabulous. When I uttered "I hate my life", Kim (being the smart ass she is) responded with "It is what you made it." And at first I was super pissed at her for her response, but then I thought of it...it's true. If I would take control of the things bothering me, my life would run a lot more smoothly. If I'd squash conflict right off the bat, I wouldn't carry around this extra stress/baggage. If I'd take responsibility for my money, I wouldn't be so devastated when suddenly I have none. If I'd take care of the bills/insurance/car stuff instead of procrasinating...I'd virtually by care-free.

So, in closing. Take charge. If you don't, you have no one to blame but yourself for where you are.

P.S. I have the most HILARIOUS stories for you all about my weekend. Today's events took presidence of that in this blog, obviously. But next time...you just wait ;)

love bites.

2008-05-22T09:07:00.003-05:00

I have several dilemas right now, ladies and gentlemen.

1) The boy that I've been allllllll about the last couple weeks has a girlfriend. This information came to light during our writing session (me, him, and his siblings) on Tuesday. Normally I'd be completely crushed, which, part of me sort of is. However, in talking to him and hearing him and his brother banter back and forth, he apparently doesn't even really like this girlfriend anymore. She's out of state, they've been on and off for over a year. And we all know how that "on and off" shit works...it usually equals "off" in the end. He says he "doesnt know, doesn't think" he loves her. Which the brother and I responded with a resounding, "Then, that's a No, dude." However, she's moving here in 3 weeks, against his wishes. They actually broke up a little while ago b/c he told her he was in no position to have her move here for him. Which she responded with, "I'm not moving there for you. I want out of Arizona." Lies, all lies. If a boy ever told me he didn't want me to move to be with him, I might take that as a sign. A BIG sign...

2) His brother is hilarious. I actually liked him first when I first met the two of them over a month ago. His brother is short, muscular, dirty blonde hair and facial hair, sooooo my type. ;) But then the younger brother started talking to me and I started to like him...but during our writing session, the older brother and I hit it off pretty well too. I saw both of them last night at my writer's show. Ugh...they're both SO hot. This is just a whirlwind of confusion right now.

3) Nick's best friend that's been living in Texas for over 6 months calls me/texts me every now and then. Which I don't mind, b/c he's a really cool guy and has always been nothing but great to me. And when I found out about all of Nick's "douche-baggery", Phil was the first one I called and bawled my eyes out to. So we've kept somewhat of a 'friendship' going since that dreadful month of February. Well...Phil is currently texting me this morning telling me he's in Tennessee and wants to see me. Which, I agreed to waaayyyy back in the day b/c I wasn't thinking clearly and basically, wanted to piss Nick off. But now? Now I'm positive I never want ANYTHING to do with him or anyone associated with him. Even the innocent bystanders that are still my friends on Facebook or MySpace. B/c everytime I see a status change or whatever, it pisses me off. And I don't need that in my life right now. Or ever. Honestly, I'd like to go on and act as though Nick never existed...never was in my world at any given time, therefore, never hurt me as deeply as he did. I know that's unrealistic. I know that after almost 4 months, I should be over it. But I don't really know how you get over something like that completely. Not unless you have this AMAZING guy in your life that just makes you forget all the assholes you dated before. And unfortunately, this AMAZING guy has yet to make an appearance in my life thus far...

4) Jake stood me up on Friday night. Never apologized. Then ignored my texts the entire weekend and my phone call on Monday. Which left me feeling retarded, pathetic, and just downright desperate. Which, I am NONE of these things. I'm just bored. And not only that, but it was just common knowledge that him and I were never going anywhere, it was just to pass the time. It was common knowledge that I'd be the one to break things off b/c 1)I'm out of his league. 2)My friends all hate him. 3)He's friends with Cory. 4)He parties too much.
So to be completely ignored for 5 days is just ridiculous on all accounts. Well, he finally called and left me a voicemail yesterday that went something like this...

"Hey, it's Jake. Sorry I haven't been around lately. I've not really been talking or out with anyone really. I had some job interviews that didn't go too well so I've just been out of it. Sorry I haven't called, I just haven't been in a good mood for anyone. Just in a funk. Call me when you get this."

Seriously? Seriously.

After 5 drinks last night (yes, 5...all during my writer's night)....I texted him.
Me: I'm under the impression we're no longer speaking.
Him: I know, I'm sorry. That's my fault.
Me: I highly doubt you're sorry. And the only reason I'm texting you right now is because I've been drinking.
Him: Right. Well have a good night then. Call me if you ever wanna talk sometime.
Me: Ugh. I don't even know how to respond to that. All I know is that I DON'T deal with being ignored. Ignored entirely.

End of conversation.

Throughout the duration of typing this blog, I just agreed to meet Phil and his friend at Opry Mills. I'm retarded. And extremely not ok with this decision but b/c I'm good at making bad decisions lately...I'm going.

I hate the sun.

2008-05-18T15:43:00.003-05:00

Everywhere I go, there's "couple this" and "couple that". When did all of my friends get into relationships? And by all my friends, I mean, ones I see on a consistant basis. Here's my problem with this...

I'm always the girl that brings around the "new guy" to be judged. More times than not, this boy does not pass the test. Which, is fine, that's not even the problem. It's just I want the "boyfriend" that I don't have to worry if he impresses or not b/c he's already 'in' the group. Maybe I should stop dating assholes...? Which brings me to my next point...
Assholes are the only ones that come at me these days. Or it's the "nice guy"....the "way too nice" guy. Why can't I just have a mixture of both? Is the SO impossible?!
My roommate's boyfriend is practically living with us now too. Which, again, wouldn't be that big of an issue if I wasn't SO TOTALLY SINGLE! So I hear them laughing or cooking in the kitchen or hanging out in her room and I just want to shoot myself b/c I'm like, uhhh...give me this, please. I actually had to leave the house and go for an hour long walk with my dogs b/c I couldn't deal with it.

I think that all of this is being stirred up b/c all of my "potentials" have majorly disappointed me this weekend. Jake, well, we knew that was bound to happen anyway so I'm not even going into that... Then I run into the guy I've been obsessing over for weeks at Tin Roof last night, and it was the awkward "Hi", side hug, then him and his brother apparently left the bar while us girls ran to the bathroom right as we entered the place. (When you're drunk, you have a one-track mind...and that mind was focused on peeing.) So needless to say, when I came out to look for him and he was nowhere to be found, I was completely bummed out.

My managers told me and Chelsee over lunch yesterday that when you demand better, then you get it. I feel like I'm settling for dating less than what I want. Therefore, when the guy(s) screw up and don't get why I'm mad, it's because that's the bar I've set...that's the low standard they are required to meet. And it sucks b/c most of us girls, when we get into a rut, when we get lonely enough...we settle for less than we deserve because it's better than nothing. I have to keep reminding myself that nothing is better than asshole. B/c the last thing I need is to get hurt again, or hurt someone else b/c I'm just settling with them until something better comes along.

Hate. Life. Today.
Thank God, "Desperate Housewives" is on tonight.

I've survived...thus far...

2008-05-16T10:00:00.003-05:00

Week One is almost done of bootcamp, and I must say, I'm highly impressed with myself. I haven't been out all hours of the night, every night, like the last few weeks (or months, whichever). I've been trying to get to bed early, even though the attempted 10PM bedtime hasn't exactly happened just yet. I was extremely nervous my first class on Monday. I put a banana and a Special K bar on my nightstand the night before, so that I could just basically roll out of bed, eat 'em real quick, and head to the gym. I ended up waking up and being ready with like, 15 minutes to spare. Now that I've just completed my 3rd class today, I've got it down now. I wake up at 5:10am and I'm there on time. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 5:30am and every Saturday at 7AM. Needless to say, the all-night partying is gonna have to cease for awhile in order for me to survive. The first two classes were relatively easy, because I'm in better shape than most of the people in the class. So push-ups, sit-ups, etc. don't scare me. What scares me? Running. And every class, we start with a mile run down Gallatin Rd, into a residential neighborhood that's nothing but uphill streets. It's a bitch. Especially since I don't run for an extended period of time. Ever. I run a lap, walk a lap, run a lap, run a lap, etc. So this has been pretty intense. Today's the first day I'm sore. Probably b/c after our mile run, he had us do another half mile doing an "Indian Run". (Slow jogging in a single-file line, the last person in the line has to sprint to the front of the line, and so on and so on...). Sprinting uphill hurts.
Chelsee has been my ultimate wingman since Jen has departed. I've called this poor girl AT LEAST 3 times in the last week to come be my "side-kick" as I meet up with boys where it could be potentially awkward. Luckily, she's been great and nothing too awkward has occured, aside from Cafe Coco the other night.
We are booking shows right and left for the next couple months. I'm going to be SO incredibly busy. I think I'm getting a Palm Trio b/c my schedule is seriously getting THAT intense. Aside from waking up at the ass crack of dawn, I've got tons of cowrites booked, industry parties where I need to go eat their free food and booze and shmooze with everyone, all these writer's nights and full band shows coming up, Fan Fair meetings, and demo sessions. Kim told me that the training wheels were gonna come off fast, and that was an understatement. I feel like I went from having the "joke job" of showing up at the office whenever was convienent and working when I needed to (which to me, was seldom) to all of a sudden, not having time for much of anything.
A boy is making dinner for me tonight. A boy that can actually COOK, really really well. I'm pretty stoked. And after, I'm probably going to fall asleep by 8pm b/c I'm running on 5 hours of sleep and I couldn't go back to bed after my work out today...I was too energized.
Today is my brother's 17th birthday. I'm very saddened by the fact that I won't get to celebrate with him today or this weekend. I won't get to sing the Polish version of Happy Birthday with all of my family gathered around him and his cake. I won't get to go out to eat at one of the 3 restraurants there are to choose from in Belleville. I'm kind of emo. Not only b/c I miss them and I miss celebrating stuff like that, but because I realize how much everyone is growing up. I can't believe that the little kids that are in the photo on my fridge...these two little red-headed cuties, with popsicle stained faces, posing inside of our old blue tin laundry hamper are 17 and almost 16 years old now. Breaks my heart.
Ryan told me he had nothing to do with the phone call/text messages I got from his roommate last weekend. I don't buy it. He told me that he was talking about me to him for like, 2 hours, and Matt got mad and wanted to mess with me. He then said that he couldn't just "be my friend" and that he wasn't interested in me checking in to see if he's okay. The email concluded with "Even though I don't want you in my life right now, I'm sorry you got hurt." I laughed. Hard. I love how noble and righteous he tries to act. I love even more that he tries to act like it's HIS choice for us not to be talking. It really is hysterical. I've gone months without talking to him and now that I feel absolutely nothing for him, therefore having a friendship would complicate nothing for me, he can't handle it. And that's fine, I get that. But there's a way to go about it without being completely immature and stupid about it. It's still hard for me to grasp the concept that this is still hard for him...that he still hurts deeply over this. That getting a random text that says "Hi" from me would mess with his head.
I've been sitting in the office for an hour and a half by myself. I was supposed to meet with my graphic designer at 9am to help structure my booth for Fan Fair. Apparently, no one remembered to send me a text or call me to tell me it was moved to 10am. So here it is, 10:30am and they are all just getting here. AND, my 11am co-write just cancelled. Sooo...I've been awake and active since 5am and will pretty much complete nothing. Woohoo! Nap-time, baby!
I don't have much of a voice due to the hour I spent in a vocal booth last night singing the most tonsil-stretching (damaging) demo ever. And the worst part was that I couldn't key it down more than a whole step or else the verses would have been wayyyy too low and I wouldn't have been able to hit it. Therefore, I had no choice but to do my best "Celine Dion" til 10pm last night. Ouch ouch and ouch.

I'm going to go "work" now...now that everyone else just decided to grace me with their presence.

P.S. I have the best song ideas going EVER right now! Oh, I can't wait for my next album....it's going to be SO amazing, and totally make some people wish they lived on another continent ;)

Dizzy on my feet.

2008-05-11T22:10:00.004-05:00

The last week has been a whirlwind of drama.
Drama beyond all comprehension.
Fights breaking out between friends which always seem to involve me in some way. Text message conversations that are transcribed to me, people not being up front and honest with how they really feel and/or what their actions REALLY are. Blame is like a plague around here these days. It's just crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.

I have been out with a different guy just about every night for the last week. Anyone who TRULY knows me, knows that that is unlike me. They know that I hate dating with a passion. They know that unless you are something marvelous (or I'm genuinely bored and just want to be around a dude) then most of the time, I don't bother. But it was recommended to me that I "put myself out there" a few weeks back and voila... here I am. Out there. Not to worry, I'm not out there whoring myself. Nothing serious, nothing sexual, just casual dating. Some experiences have been better than others. A couple of the guys I really like. One that I like because he's such an ass, and us girls are drawn to the bad boy type. Two that are just as unrealistic as humanely possible. (I won't do long distance, ever. Again.) And one that I've been obsessing over since our hour and half long conversation over Miller Lites Wednesday night. Its all confusing, it's all very time consuming, and it's all very entertaining. I like having options.

The last 48 hours have been bizarre.

A friend of mine made peace with her ex's friends. So now, it is okay for all of us to hang out, minus the ex of course. But last night, sitting at Foobar with all of them, it was kind of weird but yet really cool too. I had fun.
Another friend of mine is scared to allow herself to be happy, to settle down, to be satisfied with something that is soooo good for her, probably one of the best things for her thus far. It's frustrating b/c she's so used to the other way and sometimes, I feel like it's not my place to say anything to her. It's her business. But the other part of me feels like I'm being a good friend by saying it, b/c no one else is. I genuinely just want this girl to be happy and not feel like she needs loose ends, b/c in the end, it drags you down.
This other friend I drunkenly made up with at Chelsea and Brittany's graduation party last night. I don't know how secure that reconcilation is, but for the time being, it's not a topic of drama and stress that needs my attention.
Jake and I had a lovely conversation this morning and he played guitar for me. Which basically blew his whole "I'm so hardcore" cover. At least for the morning it did. And it made for awkward morning conversation with my roommate after he left, haha.
Ryan's roommate called me yesterday and unsuccessfully tried to pull the most digustingly twisted "joke" ever. I'm sure Ryan was in the background egging him out. Bastard. Basically, they called me while I was checking out of the line in Walmart and told me that Ryan had died. And left a letter about me. And that he'd want me to be at the funeral and could I come to Michigan. FUCKED UP. At first I kept asking if this was a joke, and he kept telling me it was not. So that's when I start shaking violently. I'm sure my face went white with horror. Then there was awkward silence and he goes, "Yeah, okay. I'm a dick. Sorry". ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! How is that even remotely humorous?! Ryan is fucked up. He's always been fucked up. And the fact that he could let someone try to pull this on me is soooo disgusting. I'm irate of this idiot right now. And you know what the most disturbing part is? It's feasible. Nothing would surprise me anymore with Ryan. All the horrible situations that boy finds himself in, all the bad luck that the universe seems to bestow upon him in the last couple years. It wouldn't surprise me. And I know he still loves me. And if he died today, I KNOW there actually WOULD be a letter. That's what sick. I seriously never want to talk to him again.

Okay, so I start boot camp classes at the Y tomorrow. Four days a week, 5:30am. Wish me luck. I have to go to bed.

P.S. I missed my mom and granny today. A lot.

conflict of interest...

2008-05-06T22:48:00.002-05:00

Sticky situation #1:
So, it's been brought to my attention that being friends/going out on dates with a best friend's ex-boyfriend's friend is probably an issue... Did I know that this was going to be an issue? Partially, yes. However, in my defense, before this whole thing ever even started, I was told that they were no longer friends with this "ex" (whom I hate more than life itself. Him and 'Canadian' rank pretty high on my 'eat shit and die' list). So, I was hoping that it wouldn't really be uncomfortable for anyone. But lo and behold, boys lie...especially when there's pretty girls involved. So last night, me and the roomie and Jake and his friend all went out, drank, had fun, and then that was it. However, anyone who knows my roomie knows that boys fall for her. Immediately. Which raises some issues, yes. Because not only is it one thing that it's me and Jake, but then if roomie and "friend who will go un-named" start talking/hanging out or whatever...then yes, this is a clusterfuck.

Sticky situation #2:
A friend of mine currently hates my guts because I knew more than I led on...by intuition, not from actual hard-core evidence or admissions from anyone. This friend and one of my best friends in all the world have been feuding for a year now, and it's been awkward. Unfortunately, you can't play both sides and come out a winner...and there never was a more true example of that than this situation. Because in the end, I guess I did choose a side. However, like I said a couple blogs back, I am a good and loyal friend to those who are good and loyal to me. I will fight for anyone of my friends knowing that they too have my back whenever I need them. I thrive on these relationships. I need more than a partying-surface level friendship (which, I have a lot of theses...) if you're wanting me to go to serious battle for you. My best friends are just that and more. They are my family down here. They are my rocks. They are the girls I call, without fail, anytime I need someone. They are the ones who rush over, sit with me as I bawl my eyes out in my bed, and tell me the honest to God truth, and then go get my drunk to forget about it all that night. They are the girls that I never have to worry about them saying hateful things about me behind my back. We are girls, we all talk about eachother, I'm not stupid. But I know that anything that is said about me is also said to my face. And vice versa.

I love my friends. Some have been more faithful than others, but I love them all. I don't like being put in the middle of anything. I don't like having to make choices like these. And I just hope, I sincerely hope, that most of you know how important you are to me. Where my loyalties lie in my heart, even if sometimes it isn't as physically visible as it should be.

Okay, the end.

P.S. I wish this other boy would call me...like, uh, now.

the silver lining of my shit covered cloud...

2008-05-04T23:06:00.004-05:00

I don't even really want to talk about it. And the title of this blog is dedicated to Jen...and to the bird that shit on my arm while hiking this afternoon. Haha.

I'm so sad. So lonely despite the roommate downstairs and the dogs laying at my feet. I just want to blast some Danity Kane/Taylor Swift/Leona Lewis/Jordan Sparks & Chris Brown, and so on and drive to Brentwood and ask her to forever be my bestest friend, to love me forever and not move away.

However, I know that this isn't something I can REALLY do. I know that she truly is one of my best friends in all the world, and in loving her like I do, I have to let her go and do what she feels she's being called to do. I wouldn't be a very good "girlfriend" if I didn't. Even if I am selfish, I know she has to do this...

But it sucks, and it hurts. It hurts tonight because she called me crying at 10:30PM on my way home from Chelsee's and it reminds me of how much it's going to hurt in the next coming weeks and how much I'm going to miss her all those nights where all I want to do is come over and crash in her bed, eat all her chips, and talk about stupid things and quote them later on Facebook. Or those time when we just complete eachother's thoughts/sentences and are always thinking the same thing....Awkward. Cafe Coco. Get my camera. Chocolate. Jameson. Quote that on Facebook. Jesus Bolin. And so on...

It was a lovely weekend. A weekend spent with friends that I love and truly adore being around. A weekend spent with my Jen...drinking, hiking, hot tubbing, eating (of course), cuddling with dogs...gosh, we pretty much sound like the perfect couple, haha. I'm going to miss not being able to have that whenever I want it. Because lately, I have had it...I have had those fun, hilarious, random times with her...just about everyday for weeks. And now...now she's going to drive her little Focus up to Michigan, stay in a hotel all by her lonesome tomorrow night, read this blog at some point, and know that I miss her like crazy already. I miss you because you get me and make me feel okay with that...I don't have to apologize for anything with you, you make me laugh until it's so awkward and hysterical that I almost pee myself, take the stupidest pictures b/c we love it and want to post even funnier captions for them....you know the way to my heart....Any song on The River, dessert, reality TV, your sweat pants.

I knew it was coming, but yet, I still feel so unprepared. And I know some of you will read this and think, "Uh, she's coming back in a few months" But that just shows you how much you don't get us. I can't cry anymore because I've already done fits of crying throughout the day. So...I'm gonna go ahead and read a trash mag in bed and try to sleep.

Goodnight girlfriend.

few and far between...

2008-05-04T03:29:00.003-05:00

I just spent the night downtown with my girls, Rachel and Chelsee. We dressed alike in black dresses and were "hot to trot" as they say. We were gettin "the look" all night. It was lovely. We went everywhere from Demonbreun to Broadway to Printer's Alley. I reunited Rachel and Clint b/c I love them that much... Chelsee was my sidekick all night long. We ended up at Ms. Kelli's at had a sentimental moment b/c we realized that that bar...that bar is where we became friends. It's kind of where we grew rebellious, where we grew up in some kind of way. It was fun.

It also reminded me that there's about a handful of friends that I feel this close to in Nashville these days. I'm so tired of all the childish bullshit that seems to linger around every corner. I'm so tired of friends constantly talking about friends behind eachother's backs. I'm tired of people getting mad over stupid, insignificant things. I'm tired of reading blogs about myself. I'm tired of having to defend myself.

I am a loyal friend to those who are loyal to me. I stand firm for what I believe in and I stand behind those that I know would have my back at anytime. I'm a good friend, despite what some might say. Friday, during the day, pissed me off. Rory's on Friday night pissed me off b/c of some things that some people said while we were all hanging out. This morning pissed me off due to someone's blog. However, I spent the day with my best friend in all the world that is leaving me...and it was wonderful. I spent the night with two of my closest gal pals, dancing up a storm downtown. So, I'm going to bed happy. Very happy.

And P.S. He drives a Jeep Cherokee. Ha.

This is never a good start...

2008-04-29T09:19:00.002-05:00

I'm so sick and tired of having these dreams.
I'm sure we've all had them. Those dreams where something good, or not even necessarily good, just a different outcome than reality happen while you're sleeping....and you wake up thinking that maybe, just maybe it's true. But it's not.

I blame the Garth Brooks song for my dreams last night.
The line in "More Than A Memory" that goes "and you're findin things to do not to fall asleep because you know she'll be there in your dreams..."

So true.
I don't even know why I'm still dreaming about him. I don't know why every song is reminding me of him lately. I don't know why I'm dreaming that things turned out differently. That he apologized for completely betraying me and leaving me high and dry like no other human being ever has before. I don't know why I even WANT to think about him and why it still hurts as much as it does. To tell you the truth, I'm still in shock by the way things went down. When his name leaves my lips I immediately wish to retract it. When I think of Atlanta, it makes me furious. When I get onto 40E, I wish there was another route to go. I feel after months, I should be over this by now. And I think in a lot of ways I am. But those pictures sparked something in me a few weeks ago, and I'm not sure if I've fully recovered yet or not. And then when I have dreams like I did last night, it makes me even more infuriated over the situation. Over how I could let someone in so much and think what we had was so perfect, only to be slapped in the face, humilated, and done with.

I'm well aware of all the logistics, of how to let go (I think), of how to look at the "big picture", of how I should be thankful that I know all that I know now instead of 6 months or a year later...that I didn't get even more invested. But the truth of the matter is that I was invested. And I can't reverse that. Even though the person I became invested in didn't exist, it still doesn't erase the fact that it happened. And now I'm going through this whole dating process again with...uh, some people,and I can't help but compare it to how it was when "we" started dating too... It just sucks. B/c it's like, do I say, well it happened this way before and I want it to happen this way again...b/c I really thought I was playing it by the book before, that I was doing the right things. But then, look at the outcome. So obviously, wasn't exactly right.

I'm rambling.

I'm just frustrated this morning.
I'm tired of this waste of time, waste of life taking up more of my thoughts...invading my dreams...and affecting my mornings. I'm ready to be done.

Forever.

Goodbyes aren't for me.

2008-04-26T12:26:00.003-05:00

I'm quite sure that I'm going to be in over my head soon.
Dating is fun, yes. However, I don't know how some people do it...
Especially with more than a handful of guys on the "Prospect Page", blowing
up your phone with texts/phone calls/whatev. It's like, are any of them even REALLY a possibility? And if not, what the hell am I doing? I think I'd rather just become a nun.

Yeah Yeah, I laughed at that too.

Jen is leaving me soon and this devastates my life. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. Between having reality TV marathons in her room, drunken house parties, random (though, they aren't so random nowadays) late-night visits to Cafe Coco, singing Danity Kane and Taylor Swift in the car constantly... *sighs* This is going to be a bittersweet summer for me. Bitter b/c yet another "significant other" is leaving me for Canada. Vancouver is all I can say to you, Jen... ;)

I had a show, which no one was at the other night at Exit/In. Not that that would really break my heart or anything, but I've played in Nashville long enough to know that there are some INCREDIBLE, kick-ass, high-energy, totally packed shows...and then, some that are not so much. However, this was a benefit show, so I was sad that more people didn't show up for the cause. I wanted them to make money!

I play on Thursday at Fuel. I'm pretty stoked. However, it's Adam's last show with me. He too is moving away, back to Georgia. Between Jen, Adam, Allyssa, and now...possibly Chelsee and Rob...freakin-A. Couldn't you all just wait until I'm too famous and too busy to be so dependant on our friendships?!

Speaking of busy...
Sage House hired a new song plugger, whos pretty much a big deal and the best in the business. Super expensive too. However, he definitely goes that extra mile...helping his clients network, bringing industry folks out to their shows, setting them up with good co-writes, etc. It's pretty awesome. He's worked with us less than a week and labels are falling in love with some of my songs that never really had anyone's attention before (Rain On The Windshield, The Only Thing Harder Than Leaving, etc.) and I'm already set up on several co-writes AND...I'm going to some Warner/Chappel writing workshop next week and getting hooked up with all sorts of people. Crazy, right?! Kim and Susan told me yesterday that high school is over now. Apparently it's time for me to be retarded "focused", which, I needed to do anyway. And now that I'll have pratically NO MORE FRIENDS LEFT IN TENNESSEE, this should be easy. Haha.

I'm pretty sad that I'm not allowed to wear sweat pants to work everyday now though....
This is going to be a huge adjustment for me.

P.S. My trip to Michigan was GREAT! My brother was super adorable and just stole the show! His character was definitely the funniest....my god, when did he grow up? He looked like such a man up there. His personality just floors me. I was ridiculously proud. Check out the photos on my personal MySpace Page! I went out to dinner with a bunch of girls from high school, so that was fun. Saw Ryan Saturday night too, which was surprisingly drama-free. I can't believe I'm in such a different head space now. I never thought I'd be able to be around him and nothing happen between us...whether it was physical or some drama-filled conversation/fight. But nothing. I felt strong, I felt good, I felt grown up and moved on from it. (Probably b/c all the drama from my LAST relationship over-shadows anything that could have even POSSIBLY happened with Ryan last weekend. )

Surprisingly though, I miss Michigan. And I rarely ever do. I miss my siblings b/c they are growing up so fast and I just want to be there to help them, to mentor them, to let them learn from my mistakes. I want to be with my Grandma b/c I can't stand the thought of her someday not being here. I want to be with my Emma b/c she worships me and I want to be looked up to like that from a girl so young, so little, so innocent to know any better ;)

Fail your way to the top.

2008-04-17T09:14:00.003-05:00

So, after one of the busiest days I've had in quite awhile (I had a breakfast date with my roommate AND hit the gym and was at the office just after 10Am. This is remarkable for me), I got on the road to Michigan late yesterday afternoon after I was done in the studio. Aside from having no interior lights and expired Michigan tags (b/c THAT'S smart...), the drive was rather pleasant. I brought my two precious poochies with me and I am simply convinced that I have the best dogs in all the world. They are seriously the best car dogs I have ever seen. They don't move, they sleep, the ENTIRE way. I let them out once at a rest area just past Cincinnatti and it was adorable. I let them off their leashes and just watched them run around forever. Fed em. Put em in the car. And off we went for another 4 hours til we reached fabulous Belleville.

My manager gave me this book on tape (yes, you read that correctly). She downloaded it onto my iPod and said that I HAD to listen to at least part of it. I asked her if this was b/c she thought I was emo-depressed (b/c honestly, I'm not at this particular time for once) and she said no. It was just for enlightment and to help with business stuff too. So...since I didn't want to make Krista listen to this "book on tape" on the drive back to Nashville on Sunday, I started listening. At first, I was bored out of my mind. But the further I got into it, the more interesting it became. I actually listened to the WHOLE thing...it took just over 6-ish hours. I know, you're impressed. You should be.

The book is called "The Slight Edge" and I can't remember the guy who wrote it right now. But it just basically talks about all those small decisions that you make, that aren't drastic and come with dramatic results in that exact moment (a piece of pizza over a salad, to take a walk around the neighborhood before settling on the couch for the rest of the night, reading 10 pages of a GOOD, "self-help, self-motivating, inspirational" book, not giving into negative, venting, gossping conversations with friends so often). However, all those times you say, "Well, it's okay for now." or "It isn't going to kill me to skip this, or eat this instead" add up. And then it DOES matter, it DOES "kill" you. B/c we get in the habit of quitting. B/c at first, "failure" or "quitting" hurts us, but the more we do it, the easier it becomes. B/c it's just as easy NOT to do something as it is to DO it. Also, it talks about how we are so hell-bent on seeing results NOW. We want to lose 10 lbs NOW, we want to have money in the bank NOW, we want to become better people NOW. However, if you would commit to improving yourself .003% each and every day, whether it's by taking that walk, eating something healthy, reading a bit of that book, saving $10 of that check you just got, changing the subject when a conversation with a friend starts to turn towards the negative, etc. then by the end of the year...you'd have improved yourself almost 100%. It made SO much sense to me. It also talks about closing up incomplete things in your past b/c then you have no more ties to it. Successful people get pulled by the future. Unsuccessful people get pulled by the past. Successful people fail millions of times before they are successful. "Fail your way to the top." Also...there's a difference in being BUSY and being PRODUCTIVE. That was a huge one for me. I feel like I'm constantly busy, busy, busy. Working out, going to the office or singing a demo in the studio, running errands (tanning, drug store, grocery shopping, bank, post office, whatev), taking the dogs for a walk, picking up the house, seeing friends, and so on...but am I truly being PRODUCTIVE? Am I any further along than the day before, personally or professionally? Think about it.

Anywho...
I'm not preaching at all. I just wanted to defend my 6.5 hours of self help, book on tape. Haha.

I'm sitting at my family's computer. Everyone's at work and/or school. I'm alone in the house with FIVE dogs. Yes, count that...FIVE. I'm about to take my two to go visit Granny for a few hours. Then I'm picking my youngest sister, Erin up at school and we're gonna go visit my other little sister, Lindsey, at work. Fun fun. Then I'm gonna go run at the high school's track, shower, and meet a bunch of girlfriends from back in the day for dinner. Woohoo!

Peace.

P.S. Just found out that Gibson has given me TWO FREE guitars! AND, I have THREE shows during Fan Fair this year!!! OW OW!

Thank you, Allyssa.

2008-04-13T21:49:00.003-05:00

I'm currently sitting at my manger's house right now b/c I had to drop my car off at the shop out here. Again. (This is not the only reason I'm here, read on.) I think I'm needing to replace the brakes now. Freakin-A, I'm so sick of replacing crap on this car. I mean, granted, it was free and it runs like a champ, however...this is the most expensive "free" car I've had in awhile--since I've had it almost 2 years I've dealt with: replacing tires, replacing battery, having to spend a TON on a new air conditioning pump thingy, electrical problems (still have no interior lights...therefore, when the sun sets, I cannot see how fast I'm going), and now the brakes. Blah. Oh well, it could be worse, I guess. I just can't wait for my Ford Escape! Or Honda CRV... Whichever.

So I started to get a scratchy throat a week ago, Monday morning. I did all the preventative things I could think of...gargling salt water, nasal spray, vitamins, Airborne, Mucinex. Tuesday's show came and I was defintely sick with allergies. Well, now my allergies have turned into full on infection...like, hacking cough and everything. So I'm going to the doctor's today at 1:40PM. I hope this clears up in the next day or so...I'm leaving for Michigan on Wednesday night!

((This ice pack on my thigh is putting me near to hypothermia. I might want to remove it. Maddie attacked me after I attacked Kim this morning. She jumped and I swear to you, this dog has dragon claws...cut me all the way down my thigh. Ugh. I'm so glad I have good dogs without dragon claws. Haha. ))

I'd just like to say, that this is all Allyssa's fault. I viewed her blog (b/c she's constantly reminding me to in her Facebook status hahaha) and then I started reading and could not stop. Before I knew, I was creating my very own blogger.

It reminded me of how I used to do the whole LiveJournal thing pretty religiously up until about a year ago. I looked at that blog late last night and just kind of laughed. It's all about "Michigan boy" and my last entry was around August or something of last year. My oh my, how much can change...and who would have thought that I could meet someone who would end up giving me MORE drama than him?! No ladies and gentlemen, I didn't think it possible either. But it did indeed happen. However, that drama was much more temporary and was given to me by someone MUCH less deserving of my time and tears. (I did get some killer songs out of it though, so I guess it was worth it just for that, ha) You see, I'm not the girl I was a year ago. My reactions to things are much stronger, much wiser, much healthier. And because of this, I can look at the silver lining even if the clouds are raining crap on me. (Gross image, I know.)

But, I'm happy to say...that I'm no longer drowning in any downpour. It was a rough start to 2008, but that only promises even GREATER things soon! God gave me sooo much to handle early on so that He could trust in my strength and my faith enough to reward me later on. I feel like I'm in a really good place. I don't necessarily know WHY I feel this way...I don't have huge, earth-shattering news to share with anyone, it just feels different. The energy is different. I feel different. I dig it.

Cheese Nips + Apple Juice + reality television on the couch= fantastic sick day.